A little sadness

I was reading this postBeautopotamus: I'm having a crisis and I started to thing of how I was feeling about age, growing older, wider , lol.

The last week or so I have been blue. I thought it could be winter, dragging on, it's enough to drive anyone insane, especially with bouts of sunshine and 60 degree only to see clouds and 20 the next. I also thought maybe it is the onset of one of my episodes, I do have clinical depression. Trickle, trickle, a weird feeling came over me, went to the bathroom, oh, oh it's y period. Explains it right.

Don't think I am too loopy, I have not had a period in maybe 3 years or more, I have breastfed my last 4 children, continually until another bump began showing. So I forgot what changes and mood swings my body goes through.

This time around the sadness is a little deeper. This monthly flow, and maybe every monthly flow afterward is a remainder that I will never carry a baby in my belly, as the youngest kids say, again. My DH and I decided that eight was enough. I am filled with a sadness and a slight empty feeling hard to explain.

I don't WANT another baby. I am more than happy with our wonderful family. I guess it is just a woman thing. I enjoy being a mom, I enjoy carrying life, I enjoy nourishing life. I also enjoy nurturing life.

I there also is a renewed desire to cherish the babies around me. Never again will I have a 9 month old, a 2 year old, 4 year old, 6 year old, 9 year old, 11 year old, 14 year old and a 17 year old. I will enjoy their smiles and laughter a bit more. I want to kiss each bruise and fall with new vigor. I want to be fully present for them.

In the end this is why we chose to stop, so we could completely embrace the ones that are here. I will have time and energy for each of their requests, antics, and needs. I love them. I love being their mommy. This was our choice, not influenced by family, society, religion. Just a mom and a dad trying to figure out what is best. While I miss what could have been, what has passed, I am grateful for a husband who worked with me. I am grateful for children who embraced each and every new gift. I am grateful for the few friends that did not judge or scoff. I will feel and embrace this sadness, but use that emotion to love the ones that are right here.